Nineteen years have passed by at lightning speed! The days can be long, but the years are short!! It feels like only yesterday; I was sitting in my living room at our first base, Sheppard AFB, working up the courage to go to a spouse social. I was the ripe old age 21, newly married, and had graduated from college just weeks earlier. The idea of walking over, knocking on a stranger’s door, and entering into a home full of people I had never met before was genuinely overwhelming for this shy, unconfident girl. However, if the Air Force has taught me anything, it would be that stepping out of my comfort zone would become a regular activity!
So, as I have spent some time recently pondering the past 19 almost 20 years (20 this June), I wanted to share with you FIVE things that I would tell or remind my younger self!
1. MOVING AWAY IS AN EXCELLENT COMMUNICATION TOOL
Leaving family and friends behind to embark on the military journey is one that may consist of both happiness and heartache. I remember pulling out of the driveway of our family’s home in Carlsbad, CA, for the first time with walkie-talkies in hand, printed maps from Triple AAA Insurance company (google maps didn’t exist on our flip phones back then), and a plethora of snacks on the seat. In tandem, my husband and I drove across the desolate deserts of Arizona and New Mexico into the flat plains of Texas with our uncertain future staring blankly back at us. In some ways, it felt like life was over as I knew it, but in reality, our adult life was just beginning! Not knowing anyone at that first duty station was uncomfortable, as I mentioned earlier. However, that opened the doors of communication between my spouse and me. I couldn’t just run away from our problems or dash over to my mum’s house to complain, criticize, or confess the trials and tribulations of our daily life. Instead, I learned to open up to my husband and communicate productively (of course, this takes daily practice) while relying on one another. So, to sum it up, if you are struggling with being away from familiar circumstances and people, take it as an opportunity to grow in your marriage and relationship with one another.
2.GET RID OF OR RESIST THE URGE TO ADOPT THE STRONG PERSONA
As a military culture, we often fall into the belief that showing emotions, asking for help, or saying NO is a sign of weakness. Instead, I believe that this strong persona is not serving you or anyone else. Have you ever hear of the old saying
“A problem shared is a problem halved?” Well, I truly believe this to be true! Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 talks about how God did not intend for us to live alone, but instead to benefit from relationships and help one another overcome various difficulties. Earlier on in this Air Force journey, I would shy away from asking for help, thinking I would just be putting people out or making up things in my head about why they wouldn’t or couldn’t help me. Also, I used to think that if I shared with my husband my troubles, etc. that it would negatively impact the mission, and he wouldn’t be able to focus on his tasks which could be a potential danger to his life or someone else’s. I have since learned that being open to accepting help, giving help and asking for help is empowering to not only myself, but others as well. I’ve also learned that sharing my thoughts with my husband has allowed him to feel like he’s still part of the family even when he is not physically present, and it gives him a sense that we still need him. This ultimately helps the reintegration process too! In the end, bottling up your emotions, and thinking you have to do it all yourself only leads to resentment. Instead, I want to empower you to be RESILIENT not Resentful!
Also, saying yes to everything can be damaging to your self-confidence and your abilities. When we say yes to ALL the things you are robbing yourself and others of your total time and attention. When you spread yourself too thin, you aren’t giving any one thing 100%. Instead, if you say yes to the things that you have the time, energy, and capability for, you will be happier and the end result will reflect that! One last thing and then I will get off of my soap box, if you haven’t read the book The Best Yes by Lysa Terkeurst, do yourself a favor and grab it HERE now. Total Life Changer!
3. EMBRACE THE COMMUNITY AND GET INVOLVED!
How can you possibly ask for help if you don’t know who to ask! Getting involved with your spouse’s squadron, the various clubs and organizations on base, and the local community can do wonders for your soul! I can’t tell you how blessed I am by the many friendships and relationships that I have gained throughout the years because I choose to walk out that door at our very first assignment. Getting involved in military life doesn’t mean you have to live, breathe, and sleep Air force life. It just means that you have taken some steps to getting to “know your neighbors” and build trust in those around you. So, if you want to share a win, or get help with a woe, you have someone or many someone’s who GET it. My civilian friends mean well and I feel equally blessed by their relationships. However, there are certain things they just can’t understand. For example, they might never know what it’s like to worry about the very nature of their husband’s job, going to bed at night alone, or their heart skipping a beat when someone in uniform approaches your front door!
4. TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF AND YOUR PASSION IS ESSENTIAL
Next, you don’t have to completely abandon your dreams or ambitions in life because of the military. Instead, it’s about pivoting and thinking outside the “container.” I wish I had thought to do this sooner!! I spent a good portion of my adult life trying to figure out how to “find my fit” and discover my purpose outside of being a mum (I’m fully British by blood) and wife. Don’t get me wrong those are two of my greatest accomplishments, but I knew deep down inside that God wanted to use me in other ways too. If you want to hear my story, I invite you to listen to my podcast at Honest Talk Radio HERE.
5. THERE IS NO SHAME IN SEEKING OUT COUNSELING/COACHING SERVICES
Finally, this life is HARD y’all! There are so many twists and turns along the way that you may find yourself curled up crying in a ball or binging on ice cream or Netflix wondering how you are going to get through this phase, stage, or event. Anything from assignment changes, no notice deployments, raising kids alone, navigating toxic relationships, and so much more (I’m pretty sure I’ve gone through every one of these a time or two). It took me 18 years to finally accept that I could benefit from talking to a counselor and eventually hiring a coach. The counselor helped me deal with some of the plagues of the past that I was holding on to that was impacting my life in ways I didn’t even know. The coach, on the other hand, met me right where I was and helped me see the possibilities for my future. Together, we drew a roadmap for how to achieve my goals and take necessary action steps to start driving down the road to being an organized, adaptable, and successful person in this uncertain life. That’s why coaching and counseling fellow military spouses has become my passion and purpose in life! Hit me up if you want to get together to draw your roadmap, contact me HERE
MEET MICHAELA
