So it’s finally time. The dreaded “d” word is finally a part of your vocabulary. Maybe this is coming at you right out of the gate, maybe you’re like me and avoided the topic for years thanks to seemingly never ending training, but regardless it’s time to face your fears- your spouse is deploying. The weeks leading up to my husband’s departure felt like a whirlwind of briefings and packing lists and looks of pity and then one day it all stopped as I dropped him off a the airport at 4:00am and I, along with all of the plates I was keeping spinning for the previous 2 months, fell to the ground.
Now, everyone’s experience is different (see number 5), but there are a lot of things I’ve learned over the last four months, and hopefully by sharing them with you I can help relieve some of the burden that I faced learning them all on my own. I’m finally getting ready to see the light at the end of the tunnel and you will soon too, but until then, here are 8 things I wish I knew before our first deployment.
YOU WILL MOST LIKELY HAVE A HUGE FIGHT BEFORE THEY LEAVE.
I know this sounds crazy, you love them! You’re sad they’re leaving! Why would you fight?! Our commander’s wife warned me of this after one of our readiness briefings and boy was she right. The weeks leading up to a deployment are very stressful and tensions are high. There is such a wild mix of emotions from sadness to anger to fear that it’s almost a guarantee that they’ll all come to blows at one point. There’s also this stupid thing that human psychology does where we pick fights and get angry before leaving someone because theoretically it’s easier to leave someone you’re mad at. (Spoiler alert- it doesn’t make it any easier). Have your fight, make sure you’re talking openly about your emotions, and just know that it’s totally normal.
YOUR PETS WILL REACT.
I don’t have kids, but I do have a fur baby. I was so focused on trying to make sure my husband and I were prepared I didn’t even think about how it would affect our dog and that was such a mistake. Dogs are pack animals, and one day a member of their pack just never comes back- imagine how difficult that would be if your spouse just didn’t come back from work one day and no one could explain it to you and you didn’t know if they were ever coming back. Even if you’re the alpha, like in my case, animals want strength and consistency in their leaders, and chances are you’ll be off your game right after your spouse leaves. Save a piece of clothing with their scent on it and let your pet sleep with it, double down on your daily routines and training, and have patience with your furry friends. They’re struggling too!
THERE ARE SAVINGS YOU CAN GET BECAUSE YOUR SPOUSE IS GONE!
Aside from having an entire bed to yourself, there are other benefits you can take advantage of while your spouse is gone. You can take their car off your insurance and put it into storage mode if it won’t be driven, pause interest on loans, and get help from your HOA or local businesses for services that may be difficult to handle when you’re upkeeping a household by yourself. Visit your base’s Readiness Center, call your insurance and banks, and ask EVERYONE if they offer any breaks to a family with a member who’s deployed.
COPING IS A ROLLERCOASTER, NOT AN UPHILL CLIMB WITH A PEAK TO REST ON.
Many people like to think that the first few weeks are hard and then by the end you’re a seasoned pro who never misses a beat. If that’s you, I bow down to you. If you’re like the rest of us, it will get easier over time as you get into your own flow but you also might end up crying in a grocery store on a random Thursday night because you miss making meals with your spouse. (No? Just me?) Someone once likened it to grieving the loss of a loved one- the person is not in your daily life anymore and each day that gets easier, but your feelings and memories will come flooding back when you least expect it. Like in aisle 4 at Fry’s. Let yourself grieve, but push forward, and if you need a night to drink a bottle of wine and cry over your wedding album, TAKE IT.
DON’T LET ANYONE TELL YOU HOW TO ADJUST.
This was a huge one for me. Everyone will have opinions on how to make your life easier, say thank you and do whatever you want. They mean well, but every person’s life and experience is different and how you cope is entirely up to you. I’ve faced major backlash for cracking jokes left and right, but dry humor is how I deal with difficult subjects and my husband knows that. Respect everyone’s journey and don’t ever feel bad for handling things in a way that isn’t what you feel is expected of you.
DON’T READ THE NEWS.
Okay, I know I just said don’t let anyone tell you what to do, but I’m telling you what to do. DO. NOT. READ. THE. NEWS. If you happen to see something on TV or on Twitter, take it with an entire handful of salt, not a grain, and wait. If there’s something that you need to know, your spouse or their squadron will let you know. We faced a situation right after my husband left that had our families in chaos, and it reminded me that the media only knows part of the story and they sell sensationalism. It’s so easy to get glued to a screen when something happens, but it’s not healthy for you or your heart. Keep your phone by you and make sure you have the contact information of your shirt and commander and vice versa. You will be kept up to date, I promise, and it will be from someone who knows the whole story.
A COUNTDOWN MIGHT NOT BE HELPING YOU.
This may be one of the things that’s different for everyone, especially if you have kids, but I’ve found that a countdown made the whole experience so stressful. When I looked at it, it never moved fast enough, it seemed like no matter how many days went by, our end date was still a million days away. And then our return date changed… and so did the countdown. It broke my heart to add days to a ticker I’d watched daily. Now that I’m closer, I check it once in a while, but it only took me a few weeks to decide that a countdown wasn’t healthy for me- check in with yourself and make sure it’s not making the situation harder for you. Just because it looked cute on Pinterest doesn’t mean you have to do it.
YOUR RELATIONSHIP MAY FEEL DIFFERENT.
I remember it clearly, it happened after a FaceTime call (bless modern technology) I’d been waiting on for a week. I hung up and cried because everything felt different. Talking to him felt different, the way I missed him felt different, and I was terrified he would come back and our lives would fall apart. (Did I mention I’m an emotional person? Did you get that from the “crying in the grocery store” bit?) Well I reached out to some spouses I knew around our area (Consider this thing 8.5- reach out to the ladies around you who have been in your shoes!!) and they confirmed that things are different during deployments, but it’s not a bad thing. For me, my marriage and my husband bring me a sense of physical comfort and safety. While he’s gone, I don’t have that sensation, but it doesn’t mean it’s gone forever! Communication is tough while they’re downrange, their schedules may be erratic, their flights are long, and often times it’s difficult for them to connect with normal everyday things after what they’re experiencing. That does not mean you’re not in love anymore. It doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. It means you’re adapting, you’re rising to the challenge, and when it’s all over you’ll be stronger for it.
You will learn this and a million other things during your first deployment, but if you walk away from this learning anything, I hope it’s that you know you’re not alone. Whatever you’re experiencing, there are people around you who have been in your shoes and are here to help- let them. You’re stronger than you think and for the moments you feel like you’re not, there’s always wine.
MEET RACHEL
