Hi, I’m Sophie, a pediatric sleep coach, mom, and military spouse. I work with families one-on-one to help them solve sleep issues for their babies, toddlers, and preschoolers. I got into the field of pediatric sleep after struggling with my own daughter’s sleep. Sleep has always been important to me but when experiencing full blown sleep deprivation as a mother, it became even more important. We hired a sleep coach, Allison Egidi, and her expertise and support were life-changing for our family. I now work with Allison, helping other families experience that same life-changing transformation.
As a military spouse, I understand the unique challenge that is raising a family away from a traditional support network, all while moving every few years and dealing with the emotional challenges of TDYs and deployments. It can be lonely! Sprinkle in some sleep deprivation and even the smallest inconvenience can feel impossible to overcome. So, when contemplating what I should focus on to help the most military families improve their sleep without knowing sleep history, parenting style, or knowledge about sleep, I landed on how to set your children up for the best possible night of sleep. That is, 5 tips for creating the ideal bedtime routine that works for a military family.
Tip #1: Keep the Activities Low Key Before Bedtime
To set your child up to be able to fall asleep quickly and easily, it’s imperative that you create a calm space in the 60-minutes that lead up to bedtime. What this looks like is no screen time, wild games, tickling, rough housing, etc. Instead try calming games like reading, puzzles, playing with stuffed animals, or simple card games. You might even discover that this is a little easier when your spouse is not around. I find that many parents, usually a dad, connect with their kids through high-energy entertainment such as rough housing, throwing toddlers into the air, video games or tv. Although this is fun, it does not help your children prepare their bodies for sleep. Try moving those exciting games to the morning or the weekends and stick to the low-key games the hour leading up to bedtime.
Tip #2: Strive for a Consistent Routine
Boring tip, right? Well, when you’re settled into your favorite show with a clean-ish house and a child who is soundly sleeping at 8:00 pm, I promise you’ll be thankful for that boring routine. Babies, toddlers, and preschoolers thrive on routine because they love knowing what comes next. So, whether or not your spouse is home, I recommend you hold the same structure around bedtime. This includes timing! Letting your kids stay up later to spend time with your spouse who works late can lead to all sorts of sleep struggles. In this case, quality time is more important than the quantity of time. If your child is sleeping well, they can feel their best, making family time more enjoyable for everyone involved.
Sticking to the same routine is especially important for our military children who are constantly changing childcare, friends, homes, and communities. By providing them with the structure of a consistent bedtime routine, you will help them adjust during a PCS. Being well-rested makes it easier for your child to adjust to change (isn’t this true for all of us?!). They may be sleeping in a new environment, but they will feel secure and confident knowing what comes next for them in that moment, limiting frustration and temper tantrums around bedtime.
Tip #3: Communicate Expectations
One of the most under-utilized ways to ensure a smooth bedtime routine is to communicate expectations to them in a language they can understand. I recommend starting conversations about the bedtime routine with your toddlers as young as 15 months! And for your younger children, verbally walk them through the routine as you do it together. It’s also important to use communication to celebrate your child and their accomplishments surrounding sleep, no matter how minor the victory may seem to you.
When we communicate with our children about what we expect from them surrounding bedtime and sleep, we should also let them know what they can expect from us. For military children, who don’t always have both parents home every night, you can let them know ahead of time which parent they can expect to do their bedtime routine that night. This tool is also helpful to explain TDYs, deployments, and PCSs. Your child will respond better when they know what to expect and know what is expected of them.
Tip #4: “Pre-game” the Routine
Where I come from, pre-gaming involves tailgates, fried chicken, and beer. In the context of parenting as a military spouse, I recommend taking the same excitement and preparation that goes into a traditional pre-game and channeling it into bedtime preparation. Especially when you’re doing the bedtime routine solo, this can help eliminate or reduce the feeling of overwhelm. Get hyped to set up as much as you can ahead of time for a smoother bedtime routine. Just a few examples, prep your dinner, any bottles you may need, set the table, lay out the towels for bath time, get the PJs out, make sure that special lovey is in place, put out those water cups your toddler will ask about, etc. When you have everything in place, it allows you to stay calm and confidently in charge of bedtime for a smooth and low-key routine with little to no feelings of overwhelm.
Do you have multiple kids? Maybe an extra spirited toddler in the mix? To make things easier when your spouse is away, try to pick out a special toy or activity (a calm one of course!) that you reserve for times when another child needs your full attention. If your toddler is anything like mine, you’ll also need to stay ahead of their attention span by changing the activity often. It may also help to find age-appropriate tasks that your toddler or preschooler can “help” with. For example, put them in charge of bringing you a diaper or picking out washcloths during bath time. You can even encourage them to go through the bedtime routine with their own stuffed animal, baby doll, or action figure as you are feeding or changing your infant. Be sure to let them know how helpful they are to you and the routine.
Tip #5: Take Turns
One final tip to improve your child’s bedtime routine and provide them with the best shot at a good night’s sleep is to switch-off with your spouse whenever you can. It’s incredibly important that both parents can put their children to sleep. It helps your spouse bond with their children and gives you a well-deserved break!
You may find that your child resists letting their other parent put them to bed. It’s totally normal and okay for children to have a parent of preference at bedtime. It’s also okay to not give in to the resistance, and to stay firm on your decisions surrounding the bedtime routine. I recommend that you acknowledge their objection but calmly let them know both of their parents love putting them to bed and tonight it’s their mom/dad’s turn. (“I know you want mommy to put you to bed, but tonight is my turn and I love putting you to bed too. The good news is mommy will put you to bed tomorrow.”)
Words of encouragement to the parent meeting resistance: Try not to get your feelings hurt (too badly) and remember that by calmly forging ahead with bedtime, even if your child is throwing a fit, you’re sending the message that you’re not afraid of their big feelings and they can’t push you away.
Words of encouragement to the preferred parent: Resist the urge to rescue your spouse. They can do this and you will all benefit from you letting them work through this together.
Note to both parents: Make sure you’re both handling bedtime the same way…refer back to tip #2 :).
A great night of sleep starts with a successful bedtime routine. I hope these tips help your family!
Meet Sophie
Sophie Kuzjak is a certified pediatric sleep consultant. She works for Sleep and Wellness Coach, helping families to solve their sleep issues. Sophie is also a military spouse and mom of two girls. She served active duty in the Air Force for over seven years and left the military to pursue her passion of helping families with young children to get better rest.
Sleep and Wellness Coach offers workshops, courses, and one-on-one coaching for families with children ages newborn to 10-years old. For more free tips and advice, subscribe to How Long ’til Bedtime Podcast or follow Sleep and Wellness Coach on Instagram. If you have questions for Sophie directly, you can send her an email at [email protected]. For a $20 military discount for one-on-one virtual coaching, mention this blog post and our team will apply a discount. We thank you for your service!
