As a military spouse, it’s likely inevitable that you’ll experience a period (or several) of long distance from your servicemember. Those seasons can certainly be tough mentally and emotionally, but I challenge you to reframe your perspective; choose to make the best of that time. No matter the circumstances of your long-distance season(s), I hope you’ll find these tips valuable.
1. Set expectations
A long-distance relationship presents its own unique challenges for each couple, so it’s important to address these challenges and set expectations early on. Those expectations may include how often phone calls or Facetime can happen, travel plans to see each other, financial limitations or considerations, addressing conflict, and even how to build trust with one another when physically apart. Conflict arises with unmet expectations, so you can help mitigate potential conflict by discussing various needs, desires, and expectations.
On the flip-side, please remember that much of your partner’s day-to-day life is often out of his control. The military is unpredictable in many ways, so it’s vital to accept early on that he may be late to hop onto a planned phone call or have his return date from TDY or deployment set back many times. It’s okay to feel frustrated when this happens but try not to take it out on him.
2. Plan small, unexpected gestures
Whether it’s a random text or voicemail to a care package with his favorite sports team’s jersey, a little surprise from you letting him know he’s on your mind can provide an emotional “boost” for the day or week. And vice versa – let him know some of your favorite things and nudge him here and there so he can surprise you too. Reciprocation within a relationship is important, even with physical distance.
3. Shared Experiences
A unique way to feel connected when apart is to incorporate a shared experience into your daily, weekly, or monthly routine. Some examples might be to read through a book together, start a new TV series, read through a daily devotional from the same book each morning, or check in periodically to hold one another accountable to reach your individual goals (health, fitness, work, etc.).
If you want to take it a step further, consider scheduling a weekly “check-in” with each other. We’ve made it a habit every Sunday night before bed to go through a brief list of questions which helps us to start our week off on the right foot, free from any unresolved feelings or conflict. Here are some examples of questions:
- How did you feel loved this past week?
- Is there a way I could have served you better this week? What could I be doing differently?
- What does your upcoming week look like?
- How would you feel most loved and encouraged in the days ahead?
- How can I pray for you?
4. Start and end your day together, if possible
He is probably the very first thing you think about when waking up and before going to bed (be sure to tell him that too!), and it’s likely he feels the same way. See if you can coordinate a daily routine that includes a text or call at the beginning and end of each day. It is comforting to share each other’s adventures from the day – the good and the bad – and it helps to feel connected while enduring a long-distance relationship. I realize this may not be possible for every couple, especially if your partner is deployed or has very limited communication. And of course, remember that your schedules may vary from day to day, so be flexible and understanding.
5. Plan for intentional time when physically together
Start making plans! If you know when you’ll be together again (or even if you don’t), make a list of things you want to do together. You both can plan a special date night, take a weekend trip downtown, work on a house project together, or have a movie night in the comfort of your home. Aside from having a countdown until the day you get to be together, it may help the time pass by a little quicker when you have intentional activities, small or big, planned out.
Meet Alyssa
Alyssa and her husband recently got married. Her husband has served in the Air Force for over nine years, and Alyssa has been a NICU nurse for five years. Together, they have navigated their dating season, engaged season, and the first few months of marriage as a long-distance couple. They just PCS’d to Nellis AFB in Las Vegas in 2024, and now they’re no longer doing long-distance! When together, they enjoy playing volleyball and soccer, cooking new meals together, leading a small group at church, and traveling to visit their family and friends.
