As someone who grew up in a military family and is now married to an Air Force service member, I understand the highs and lows of military life firsthand. Deployments, PCS moves, career changes—this lifestyle is demanding not just for service members but for their spouses as well. At times, it feels like we, too, raised our right hand to serve. The most rewarding part of this journey has been meeting incredibly strong military spouses who continue to inspire me. Their support has been my lifeline, and it’s why I’m so passionate about giving back to this community. This is one of the reasons I have created a new program for spouses called, Spouses on Alert.
Spouses on Alert is a program dedicated to educating and empowering military spouses to recognize signs of mental distress in their loved ones, understand available resources, and navigate the unique barriers to seeking help.
Reintegration is Hard
Spouses on Alert doesn’t just stem from my passion to take care of military spouses, but my passion to take care of our service members as well. In 2016, my husband returned from a deployment in Afghanistan. The day he returned was filled with pure joy and relief that he was home safe, and the hard part was over, but we quickly realized an even greater challenge lay ahead. Shortly after his return, he became paranoid and was easily triggered by loud noises. He was quick to anger and struggled to sleep. I saw the warning signs of a deeper struggle, but as a young spouse, I didn’t know what to do.
I was terrified watching my husband unravel. I was afraid to approach him, so instead, I focused on keeping him safe. I kept a close eye on the weapons in the house and tried to reassure him that I was there when he was ready to talk. The day finally came when he broke down and told me he needed help. Unfortunately, that was easier said than done.
If you’ve been a military spouse for a while, you know the stigma surrounding mental health care in the military still exists. The fear of losing their career is real, and I had to understand this barrier to help my husband. What I didn’t understand at the time, was what base resources were available for him and what the differences were. I tried to gently nudge him to see a Military & Family Life Counselor with me, but he refused. I was the only one he would talk to, not even his family knew. I felt helpless and I know he did too.
Knowledge is Power
When my husband was deployed, we had an agreement that he wouldn’t tell me what he was doing, and I wouldn’t ask. I believed ignorance was bliss. The only thing I wanted to hear was that he had made it back to base safely. Let’s be real, I was never in a state of ‘bliss,’ but after learning years later what some of his missions entailed, I’m grateful I didn’t know the truth at the time. What service members witness and experience during deployments is astounding, and it’s no surprise that many carry these difficult memories with them for a lifetime.
It’s easy to look at our men and women in uniform and assume they’re trained to handle everything. But as a spouse, you know better than anyone, they’re still human. That’s why it’s so important for those closest to them to recognize the signs of struggle early and know how to help. This is why I created Spouses on Alert, a program designed specifically for military spouses, the ones who often see the warning signs of a potential mental health crisis first. No spouse should ever feel as helpless as I once did.
Through this program, spouses learn about on and off installation resources available to service members and their dependents, including Mental Health, MFLCs, Chaplains, True North, and Primary Care Behavioral Health Counselors and the key differences between clinical and non-clinical support. They also gain the skills to recognize warning signs and take action to get their loved one the help they deserve. Many spouses hope they’ll never face this situation, and hopefully, they never will. But by taking this class, they can be prepared to recognize the signs, whether in their own home or when supporting another spouse in need. We are all in this together.
Understanding the Barriers
One of the main lesson points during the class is barriers and how to overcome them. The military mission carries a heavy responsibility. We must be the best in the world and are told there is no room for error or weakness. Our spouses may have high security clearances or carry a weapon. These parameters create barriers for service members to seek mental health care because taking a weapon or clearance away prevents them from doing their job, which can be embarrassing or defeating. It can also create a huge fear that they will never get it back.
Efforts are being made to ensure service members can seek help without jeopardizing their careers. However, it would be misleading to claim that seeking mental health care will never have career implications. In cases where a clinical mental health expert determines a service member is unfit to continue serving, that decision is made with their well-being as the top priority—because a strong mission relies on the health of those who carry it out.
Approaching a service member about seeking mental health support requires an understanding of the unique challenges they face. Patience, trust, and knowledge of available resources can make all the difference. Providing service members with confidential and low-risk options—such as speaking with a Chaplain, who offers complete confidentiality, or an MFLC, who does not keep records—can be a reassuring first step. You can even offer to go with them if they’re hesitant. For my husband, it took five years after returning from Afghanistan to speak with a Chaplain. No one should have to wait that long to find support, and we are committed to fostering a culture where seeking help is seen as a strength, not a weakness.
Suicides in the Military
Whether you are new to the military or been to 8 duty stations, you have probably personally known someone who has died by suicide or know someone who has been affected by suicide. In the 2023 Annual Report on Suicide in the Military, the Department of Defense stated 523 service members died by suicide and in 2022, 146 family members died by suicide. These numbers are tragic.
I am grateful my husband didn’t want to kill himself, but I only know that years later because I was too scared to ask at the time. Studies have shown just by asking the question, you are not putting the idea in someone’s head, but what you are doing is potentially saving their life. If they say yes, it’s important to know what steps to take to get your loved one help and who can support you along the way, such as a First Sergeant or a Key Support Liaison. It’s important to remember, you are not alone.
Service members are required to take suicide prevention training yearly; however, there is no requirement for spouses. I hope by offering similar training to our spouses, we can build a stronger support system around our service members and their families and lower suicide rates.
Prevention
In the final lesson of the class, we focus on prevention strategies and building resilience. I know the military loves to overuse the word resilience, but there’s a reason for that. This lifestyle can feel like a rollercoaster ride in crazy town and to survive without getting whiplash, you need to be mentally prepared. To do that we need to focus on our protective factors, which help us prevent stress from turning into distress. For example, when my husband comes home and looks like he just got hit by a Mack truck, I tell him to take a minute to breathe and then either go for a run or play a few video games once everyone else goes to sleep. Understanding what helps my husband manage stress is essential for his mental well-being. If we are dealing with something in our marriage, I will schedule an appointment with the MFLC, so we feel like we have a safe space away from our daughter to discuss what is going on. As for myself, I usually need a girl’s night out to decompress.
I always emphasize as a spouse we aren’t helping anyone else if our cup isn’t full. Military spouses often shoulder both parental roles while their partner is away, and the emotional and physical toll can be overwhelming. We must find time to take care of ourselves!
Mental wellness is a journey and not a quick fix. Learning how to handle the hard times is how we become resilient. Take the time to sit down and think about your protective factors! Use your spouse or friends as accountability partners and tell them what these are, so when you are really struggling, they can bring you that gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream with a note that says, “It’s ok to not be ok, I am here for you.”
Everyone has their Own Story
I love the saying, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” Spouses on Alert was created to support service members by building a strong, informed military spouse community. However, the lessons we share extend far beyond the military. Life will always bring challenges—whether in relationships, loss, or financial hardship. By recognizing signs of distress and learning how to respond, we can strengthen our families and the broader military community.
If you are a military spouse, I encourage you to learn about the warning signs, understand the resources available, and share this knowledge with others. Together, we can make a difference.
Thank you to all the military spouses out there, you are extraordinary!
*This program is not DOD wide, but hopefully it will be one day!*
Valuable Resources: Military One Source & Family Suicide Prevention Training
Meet Chelsea
Chelsea has been a dedicated military spouse for 10 years and is the proud daughter of a Marine Corps Veteran. With five years of experience as a civilian employee for the U.S. Air Force, she has worked in Public Affairs and True North, gaining valuable insight into the challenges and resilience of military families. Inspired by her professional experiences and personal journey as a military spouse, Chelsea founded Spouses on Alert to support and empower fellow military spouses navigating the unique demands of service life.
Beyond her work, Chelsea is a devoted mother to her spirited four-year-old daughter and two beloved fur babies. She’s an avid Alabama football fan—Roll Tide! and a passionate Disney enthusiast.
