When I made the decision to leave Iowa behind, pack my car and head to Tacoma, WA to live with my (then) boyfriend, you would’ve thought I told some people I had just committed a felony based on their astonished reactions.
“That seems very risky when you’ve only been dating a little over one year!”
“What if you break up?! You’ll be stuck in Tacoma all by yourself.”
“That’s just SO far from everyone you know, how will you meet new friends?”
“If he’s buying a house, are you going to rent from him? How will the finances work? That seems messy.”
“Why don’t you just wait until you’re engaged or married?”
Understandably, people that love and care about me were looking out for my best interest, as frustrating (and sometimes annoying) as their questions were, I knew they were coming from a place of love and instead of letting those questions defeat me, I took them and developed a plan that would make both me and my partner feel comfortable living together before engagement/marriage.
Truthfully, my biggest insecurity and fear was rooted in finances. I had already secured an amazing job, so I wasn’t worried about having an income, but I was aware that my income and his income would look different. Splitting bills 50/50 didn’t seem to make sense when he was getting an adjusted housing stipend for the area. After some research, I pitched the idea of doing a budget for joint expenses and then getting a joint checking account that we could each contribute “our portion” into and all joint bills would come out of that account.
at what our budget template looks like.
Definitely personalize the categories, we sat down and talked about things that were a priority for us (e.g., concerts/events, going out to dinner/drinks, travel) and then developed it based on that. We considered our joint bills to be:
- Our mortgage
- Insurance
- Electric
- Water
- Going out to eat
- Concerts/events
- Couch payment
We adjusted what each of us contributed based on our individual incomes, so although we weren’t both contributing the same exact dollar amount, we were both contributing the same percentage based on what were making each month. Individually, we still had bills like our car payments, student loans, haircuts, shopping, etc.
It made the most sense for us to get a USAA joint account, and it was no issue for both of us to have our names on that account even though we weren’t married. We broke down our budget for each paycheck, so we knew each time we got paid exactly how much we had to contribute to that joint account for the bills to be covered. Pretty simple, when I got paid, I’d either transfer or write a check and cash it into that joint account, then I knew whatever was left in my separate, personal account was mine to spend on my remaining personal bills or fun activities.
This method saved us so much financial drama, it wasn’t ever stressful when we went out to eat because we always used our joint card to pay, the condo we lived in (although owned solely by my boyfriend) felt like it was also mine because I was contributing to all of the bills that accompanied owning it, and it set us up perfectly for marriage when we decided to fully merge our finances.
Best part, it got us talking about finances early in our relationship and took away the stress that often comes with those conversations early in marriage. It also gave us both the confidence and security we needed to successfully handle living together pre-marriage.
This is definitely not the end-all-be-all solution for finances, but it encouraged a very healthy relationship early on and is something we are still so grateful for going on 2 years of marriage. We have continued budgeting, although now our finances are completely joined, and still use that same budget format I linked above. Not to mention, it made me AND my spouse feel positive about an adventure that yielded potential uncertainty. It was our personal decision to live together prior to being engaged and married, others choose to wait…guess what, I’m here to remind you that however you choose to do it is the best way to do it as long as you’ve talked it through with your partner. Sometimes the military world can be so black and white, and unfortunately relationships come with a lot of grey area. Open the lines of communication, talk about the tough stuff and get creative with a solution. That will not only solve the issue at hand, but it will open the doors for effective problem-solving down the road when other issues arise.
As always, if you have a financial strategy that worked for you that you’d like to share with us, drop a comment below of email us at [email protected]!
xo, Kirst
