In the military lifestyle, it can feel like the cards we are dealt are unfair. From not being able to plan vacations more than 3 months in advance, to bigger issues like feeling like your child’s education is suffering due to constantly moving. The lack of control can be paralyzing if you don’t learn how to deal with it. Personally, challenges like this bring out a range of emotions. I start with disbelief, move on to blind rage, then cynicism, and finally measured acceptance. These stages also include tears, rant-y phone calls, rage cleaning, kickboxing, and good old-fashioned ice cream straight out of the container. In the military family community learning how to deal with disappointment is a part of the territory. In my nine years as a spouse to an Active Duty Air Force Pilot, I quickly learned everyone deals with this lifestyle differently. The only way that I was going to be able to cope was by learning how to advocate for myself and others.
Advocacy is one of those words that sounds unattainable, but in reality, it’s something that most military spouses do instinctively for our families every day. Need to figure out how to convince Tricare that you indeed did enroll your child into Select so you stay on the phone with them for 2 days straight to get it ironed out? Congratulations, you’re an advocate. Ever convince an employer to take a chance on you despite your resume looking like swiss cheese with 5 states listed on it? You guessed it-you’re an advocate. (Which by the way MilSpouses are some of the best employees, more on that later). Now that you’ve been reminded that you have advocacy skills, let’s talk about how to use them.
Tips to be an Effective Advocate
There’s a line in between advocating and whining and the differentiator is intent. Are you trying to solve the problem or just need to vent and move on? Who among us hasn’t come up against a situation where they want to influence someone else with more power or influence than us to help you? Navigating the skewed power dynamic that dependents have with the DOD highlights the need for advocacy. Use these tips to be the advocate you need while navigating military life.
1. Come with Solutions
If you are not yet in a place where you can objectively look at the situation, make sure you have the conversation with a trusted friend or mentor first. The last thing you want is to show up unprepared or overly emotional. Take your time here. Seek out guidance and do your research so you come in cool, calm, and collected. You are far more likely to get the yes you need if you come in with a solution.
2. Bring the Data
One of my favorite quotes is from W. Edwards Deming who said “In God we Trust. All others must bring data”. In advocacy focusing on the facts and leaving emotion out of your request is the key to convincing your audience. We know that it’s challenging to maintain a career and many of us can share anecdotal evidence. What is more compelling is citing Blue Star Families stating that military spouses face 21% unemployment. Take it a step further by contrasting the national unemployment rate in the 4th quarter of 2022 was 3.6%. That data shows there is an issue for military spouses. The labor participation rate is similar to their civilian peers and yet military spouse unemployment is more than 5 times the national average. Use that data to tell a story or solve a problem for the intended audience. If you are discussing with a military member, consider highlighting that unemployment destabilizes the service member and could lead to decreased performance at work. Lowing military spouse unemployment is therefore a DOD issue. Because at the end of the day both the DOD and military families want our military to be the premier fighting force. In short, use data to make your problem, their problem.
If you’re wondering where to get this data, there are several great sources to include: Blue Star Families, Hiring Our Heroes, the DOD itself, MFAN survey to name a few.
3. Have a reasonable ask
You know the situation you’re in and what is a reasonable request. Asking for a major policy change or special consideration from a base hospital is unlikely unless you’ve done some serious groundwork. However, going in and advocating for a referral because you’d like more specialized care is more likely. (Side note, I’m sure some of you reading this have been denied referrals. If you come up against this time to bring in a patient advocate).
4. Make sure that the person you are asking can actually help
Now that you have data, and a proposed solution to the issue with a reasonable ask, you need to make sure you’re asking the right person. If you have the best solution in the world that is relatively simple to implement, but you are asking someone who has no ability to do what you are asking, it’s not going to be successful.
Putting the Steps into Practice
Let’s use a pertinent example to use this method. Your spouse is about to deploy for the first time, and you need to modify your hours at work so that you can pick up your kids from daycare.
First step, find a WAF who understands and vent, cry, and/or rage clean until you feel like you can have a handle on the situation. If you don’t need to do this step, skip it, and congratulate yourself on being super well-adjusted.
Now it’s time to come up with solutions. What makes sense for you and your work environment? Do you need to cut your hours? Take a leave of absence (don’t forget about your FMLA rights). Whatever you decide is best to fit your situation, now it’s time to prove why this is a good thing for both you and your employer. The best way to do that is to have started the minute you started working and made yourself an indispensable employee.
Next up we’re bringing the data. Before you do anything in a situation like this know your rights. I cannot emphasize this enough. Understand if your company is beholden to FMLA. Determine if there is an established process for modifying your schedule and what that entails. Find all policy related to accommodations and know that before making any requests. Asking for flex hours? Come into this meeting knowing that 85% of your meetings are from 9:00 – 3:00 and that you will be available in those times and will work the rest of your hours at night to ensure no disruption in work product.
You have your proposed solution, now do a gut check. If I am asking for something not protected by law or by policy, is this a reasonable request? Flexing your last two hours of the day to be in the evening could be doable in one role and not in another. Hopefully, by this point you know your culture and can determine what can be done. This is another great opportunity to discreetly check in with your network. Doing this can bolster your case if someone else in the company is already doing your solution.
Ok you’ve done all your homework, now it’s time to make the request. In workplace situations, it is generally your manager that is the first step in any request. They control your day to day and will work with your HR POC to solidify the plan. Now, if your manager is unsupportive or you feel like they will not accommodate you, you can go straight to HR. Understand that if your manager can’t support you having a life outside the company, it’s time to look for a new manager.
The above is just one example of how you can use this basic advocacy framework to ask what for you need to survive in this lifestyle. My hope is that you can use this to thrive and eventually use it to advocate for larger populations. If you’d like to channel these skills or learn more about what other spouses are doing, stay tuned for the next 5 posts in the advocacy series. You’ll continue to learn how to advocate for common issues with military families and where you can begin advocating for the community at large.
Meet Amanda
Amanda Scott has been the spouse of an active duty Air Force member for 9 years and is the mom of two littles. She works for RTX and is passionate about helping military spouses find and maintain meaningful employment. You can connect with her on LinkedIn.
