We all know military life is difficult. I don’t like to think that anybody particularly “chose” to move every 2 years or decided that they wanted to spend months or years apart from their spouse. What we did decide was that we loved someone enough to deal with it anyway. One active-duty military spouse is hard enough. Two, well that just makes things very interesting.
I’d like to say that becoming a pilot was a long-life dream of mine, but it most certainly was not, and it wasn’t for my husband either. We were convinced and wowed by stories, movies, and Air Force Academy hype videos. By the end of our tour at the zoo, both of us were knee-deep in the mess that was trying to figure out which planes we could fly to make our lives easiest while still living together. Fast forward a year, fate, and several excel sheets later, we decided that C-17s and F-16s would be the best match. But is it?
My advice:
Decide what you want.
Easy, right? It’s like choosing what flavor of ice cream you want but not only have you never had a sample but you’ve never once tasted it before either. This is the hardest part. Do you want to fly a fighter jet? Do you want to travel a lot or none at all? Do you want a crew? Where do you want to live? Do you want to have kids sooner or later? Do you want to live by family? What are your non-negotiables? The most important thing you can do as a couple is to decide what your values are. There is no perfect match for a pilot-to-pilot couple but there are options that suit people better.
At that time, I was only confident about a couple of things. First – I didn’t want to be away from my husband. Second – I would not be a fighter pilot. I was not a stud in the T-6 and I also wasn’t eager to compete. Our first plan was to be first-year instructor pilots in good ol’ Enid, USA. The Air Force had different plans when they shut that down and gave my husband an F-16 instead of a T-38. I was shocked but I also knew the importance of flexibility. I knew immediately that we would be a heavy-fighter couple. Knowing what I know now, we wouldn’t do it differently but I will be the first to admit I am an optimist.
Your leadership is the key to your future.
Once you’ve decided what you want, or at least have some nonnegotiables in place, talking to your leadership is the most important thing you can do. My AOC out of the academy is the reason why we were able to make our timelines match up. My husband graduated 1 year before me so it was imperative for me to go to pilot training as soon as I could so that I could catch up to him. It worked out beautifully when the C-17 initial qualification was much shorter than the F-16 course. We both PCSed to Charleston within a month of each other. This never would’ve happened if I didn’t have leadership who knew the timelines better than I did at the time. In every squadron we have been in, the first thing we have told our leadership is that we wanted to be physically together. We did this before we were even engaged.
Turn lemons into lemonade.
I could give advice on this topic all day long but the truth is there are so many variables that come into play with the military and it probably won’t end up how you planned it. Some of my closest friends did everything I’ve described above and still ended up 3+ hours away from their spouses. Even in our “perfect” scenario, it is not perfect. We ended up where we wanted to but the commute is terrible for both of us and we are already looking into alternative assignments. On the same hand, I am grateful that I have the opportunity to see my husband every day. (When I am not on a mission and he is not deployed)
One aspect of the military that we have capitalized on are our benefits in real estate. If I were to do the move again to South Carolina, I would’ve bought one house in Sumter and one in Charleston. The beauty of this is that nothing is permanent and you have flexibility. When we first moved I was very sure that I didn’t want to live separately. Now, I feel it wouldn’t have been noticeable. As a C17 pilot, we go away on trips so often that many of my peers leave their house empty for weeks or months at a time. If I bought 2 houses to begin with, I could have bounced back and forth between the two, and rent either one out when I wanted to. Some people would think that is too much but I am a firm believer in working hard while you are young and reaping the benefits as you age.
We ended up purchasing 2 houses anyway since the first one was too far away from Charleston. We moved closer to Charleston and bought another house and he ended up brunting the commute to Sumter. We have now committed to buying at least 2 properties every PCS. Take advantage of your primary VA loan benefits. If you do it right, you can set yourself up for the future with little effort.
Still, if this isn’t for you, that is okay. You should customize your life for how you want to live it. That could mean you are simply not willing to live separately. Maybe you need some time together to grow your relationship. Never forget there is always the option to fly the same aircraft. I have many friends who have had luck and fly in the same squadron. Although this might sound amazing, don’t forget that the plane you choose could very well change the dynamics in your household. One amazing couple I know decided to do what any couple does. As soon as they got into the squadron and started flying, they bought the cutest husky they could find. Now they are required to balance the busy life of two C-17 pilots and a dog. And when it is busy season, they trade on and off who is on the road flying and rarely get to see each other. With or without a dog, this is the reality for many dual-pilot couples flying the same plane. I feel grateful that when my husband is not on a deployment, as an F-16 pilot, he will be home every night.
Plan plan plan.
Everything is in the Air Force’s hands until it’s not. As a dual military couple, we do not have the ability to jellyfish through the system. Because of my priorities, i.e. my desire to live with my husband and grow a family, I have to plan the heck out of our future. “Failing to plan is planning to fail.” Sit down with someone who has more experience than you and figure out what your upgrade process looks like. Many female pilots decide to wait to have kids. Some decide not to wait; this could mean you potentially have to take about a year off from flying unless you choose an airframe that negates this. Again, DECIDE your priorities. I hate when people say you can’t do it all. You can do everything, however, there will always be a hierarchy of what is most important to you.
What our lives look like now.
Today my husband and I are halfway through his first deployment- a 6 monther. I am busy taking care of our home, keeping up with our real estate side hustle, watching after our pretty pup, Barlow, and working towards my upgrade to being an aircraft commander. By happenstance, my squadron entered the “recovery bin” of AFFORGEN right when my hubby left for deployment. Still, I try my best to fly as much as I can and I rely on neighbors and friends to take care of our pup when I need them to. I just recently brought up my situation again with my Commander and he is working with me to explore our next options as we move into PCS season for my husband. I am eager to stay in the C-17 but my priority remains wanting to live with my husband.
My last bit of advice is stereotypical but it is true. Relationships go so far in this community and in the Air Force. The value of being a good person is indispensable. Things may not turn out how you want or plan but if you take care of others and give effort where effort is due, it will work out. It may not be in the short term but it will be down the road. Everything in this career is a sacrifice. Although I miss out on valuable time I get with my husband, my job is to travel the world to deliver hope or hate. I get to explore incredible cultures and meet some amazing people along the way. Cheers to the crazy life that we have chosen!
Meet Jena
Jena claims New Jersey as her home state but grew up in a Coast Guard family. She attended the US Air Force Academy where she majored in Business. She then went to Vance AFB for undergraduate pilot training and received her first operational assignment as a C-17 Pilot in the 14th Airlift Squadron. She is currently stationed in Charleston, SC. In her free time, she manages several real estate properties with her husband, likes to take care of her plants and pup, and tries to practice her yogi skills whenever she can.
