With a quick glance around any military installation, you will see parks, splash pads, youth centers, and banners advertising upcoming kid-friendly events often put on by MWR (Morale, Welfare, and Recreation) or Fleet and Family. Many spouse events must involve children being present because childcare is challenging to obtain (Resources here!). When it comes to military spouse life, it may feel like kids are everywhere. While only 43% of military families have children, because more than half of military servicemembers are married, there is a higher likelihood of military families having children.
Military Life Without Children
It goes without saying that a spouse married without children, my nights, weekends, and deployments very look different than those married with children. But just like those married with children, I am sad when my spouse leaves, plans change, or Murphy’s Law kicks in. At times, I feel extremely overwhelmed with what I spend my days doing. I live away from my hometown and feelings of loneliness sometimes set in. Sound familiar? We are all experiencing the same universal challenges and feelings that military separations bring.
While it is so easy to compare challenges of life with or without kids, here at Wives of the Armed Forces, we chose to not spend our time comparing our hard and instead empathizing and offering compassion to all. Military life brought us challenges we never knew it could and we are all doing the best we can with what we have.
Bridging the Lifestyle Gap
Nothing brings people closer together than shared challenges and military life presents a plethora of opportunities to walk through hard times together. Over the past year and a half, our squadron experienced about 365 days away from home. Within our squadron’s spouse group, only 5 or 6 of us do not have children. That leaves many more potential friends with children. I could have written the spouses with children off as ‘not my cup of tea’ but I would have missed out on lifelong, sturdy friendships with other women my age who just get it–and happen to have a kid or two in tow.
While it is easier to relate to potential new friends who don’t have children, I have to remind myself to keep an open mind. Parents and caretakers are people who were once the same kind of 20, 30, and 40 year old that you were. Moms, dads, and caretakers need to laugh, vent, and enjoy life just as much as us childfree spouses do. Sometimes this looks like showing up to your friend’s house, bringing dinner or wine and just existing with them. Sometimes, it is holding a baby for 5 minutes so your friend can go shower. Other times, it’s going out to dinner while your friend with kids has a sitter for the night, and having an adult conversation–asking them how they are doing and what big wins have they experienced recently. We all need it. As a friend it’s our responsibility to meet our people where they are. I never thought I would have ‘mom friends’ or ‘dad friends’ at such an age, but I have learned so much from these friends.
A Friend to Others
To my fellow military spouse friends who are also parents, I see you. Parenting appears to be fully encapsulating one’s life in addition to military life. While I cannot fully understand your life, I still want to be a part of yours. If you are a military spouse with children and see childfree military spouses, please don’t write us off as ‘not your cup of tea’. We need friends who get it too. We can understand your vibrant military life struggles just as well. To the brave souls who do it all and are a friend to those without children–thank you, you have made this duty station infinitely better.
Meet Katie
Katie is a former Air Force brat turned Navy spouse living in Jacksonville, FL. Having met her husband on a dating app (Hinge is great!) while he was in Naval Pilot Training in Pensacola, they have moved around Florida and made Navy life their own. Between workups, underways, and deployments, they have had quite the Navy ride in their first couple years of marriage, but still choose to see the good and growth from it all. From rich friendship forged by months apart, Katie has seen the beauty of community and is reminded of one’s inner strength. In the daytime (and evenings), Katie works as a Realtor, assisting military families navigating PCS season to find affordable and safe housing, both to and from NAS Jacksonville and NS Mayport. In her spare time, she enjoys working out, hot yoga, and traveling.
