How I Navigated Infertility + Military Benefits: Heidi’s Story

THERE ARE SO MANY WOMEN WHO FACE LOSS DURING THEIR STRUGGLES WITH INFERTILITY AND WE WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE SEEN, THAT YOUR EXPERIENCE MATTERS. WHETHER YOU LOST THAT PRECIOUS LITTLE ONE AT TWO WEEKS OR TWENTY WEEKS, THEY WERE YOURS AND YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID. ONE OF THE MANY WAYS PEOPLE WORK THROUGH THE HEALING PROCESS IS THROUGH FINDING SOME WAY TO HONOR THEIR LOSS. THIS IS WHAT BROUGHT THREE WOMEN TOGETHER TO CREATE A NECKLACE FOR MOTHER’S WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED A MISCARRIAGE. YOU CAN CHECK OUT THEIR STORY AND MISSION HERE!

HEIDI’S STORY

First, I want to start by saying that everyone’s journeys are so unbelievably different when it comes to infertility but here we all have one thing in common, Tricare. Our journey officially started a couple of years into our marriage. We were excited to start trying to bring a little one into our lives so I had my IUD pulled and it was go time. Like so many others, we watched as friend after friend became pregnant, patiently waiting for our time (maybe not so patiently). I started by just tracking my period with a handy app and called it a day. I did my best not to worry that something may be wrong when month after month my period came. Six months in I started tracking anything I could in hopes to nail down the day those eggs dropped. I even went back to my PCM for any advice. She suggested some extra vitamins but let us know that Tricare would not allow us to be referred to a specialist until we reached a year of trying. So, we kept going, but sadly we reached a year with no success. Heading back to our PCM we started the process.

At the time we started this we were at Malmstrom AFB (Montana), which had no base hospital, just their clinic offices. Since we were in a small town, there was only one fertility clinic outside of base. They were a FNP which meant that they could only do up to IUI before we would have to go out of state if IVF became an option. All initial testing was covered by Tricare (blood draws, HSG, ultrasounds and semen analysis) and in our case, was very seamless. The base clinic had testing requirements for the fertility clinic before we could schedule an appointment. After all our testing was complete (took us about 2 months from start to finish) we scheduled our first appointment. In true military fashion my husband was TDY, so I was headed into an appointment, not knowing what we were going to be told, without my other half. Thank goodness for military family, as my close friend went with me (which to this day I cannot thank her enough). In our consultation, they told me that I had PCOS. I, however, did not have symptoms of PCOS. My period was always pretty regular, my sugars were within normal range, I did not struggle with unwanted hair growth, and although we all have our difficulties with weight I did not have any significant issues with weight. My husband’s analysis was slightly abnormal in that he had high viscosity. We were presented with a plan; try medicated and monitored naturally or IUI. Tricare will only cover treatments that are deemed “natural conception”

We felt our path should start with medicated and monitored natural. However, we were told that we had to wait 6 months before we could start. If you are thinking about traveling outside the United States, consider the CDCs Zika map (Mexico is on it). Fertility offices are required to wait 6 months before providing treatments so we waited. As if waiting for a year was not enough.

All of our medicated cycles were covered 100% by Tricare. Each cycle would consist of blood work, medications and ultrasounds with each ended the same way with a negative. Being married to active duty military has its hurdles. Trying to make sure your husband is not TDY when you need to “do the deed” is hard. Luckily, we were in a squadron at the time that offered flexibility and we only had to hold off on a few cycles where we wouldn’t be together when necessary. Our clinic was accustomed to working with military families and very accommodating.

When we transitioned to IUI we knew that Tricare would no longer cover our treatments. The cost at our clinic for an IUI was between $400 and $500. I have since learned that the way they billed us was uncommon as it was greatly benefiting us financially and I could not be more grateful. Our new clinic charges $1800 with a 25% military discount ($1,350). We went through three IUI cycles, all the way up to our PCS date; each failed. Just like that, we were at the beginning. Moving across the country to a new Tricare region. Having called Tricare multiple times we would have to see a new PCM which would not happen until we were inprocessed. The hardest part of moving across the country was not the house hunting, not making new friends, not finding a job, but not knowing what our journey with infertility was going to look like next.

Now that we are at Andrews AFB, our options have opened a bit more. Once finally getting into a PCM I was given the option of going to Walter Reed or Shady Grove (East Coast Clinic in multiple cities). Going into that appointment I had researched all the options within the area. There were tons of conflicting information (as there always is with any medical care). Shady Grove was the option we went with for many reasons (which may not be the right option for everyone). They came highly recommended and an added benefit was that it was only 40 minutes from home verse Walter Reed which was over an hour and a half without traffic. The clinic was quick to get us in for a consultation with the endocrinologist, who happens to be the prior IVF director of Walter Reed. I am not sure what I truly expected going into the appointment but I was glad to have my other half there because it was a lot more to take in than I accepted. We were told that I most likely did not have PCOS and that there was nothing they can see that would be preventing us from getting pregnant. Just like that we were back to the beginning. They then suggested we go straight to IVF. Fortunately, they are offering a 25% discount for military as it is a big investment. They have estimated anywhere from $9,000 to $15,000 which includes their discount. Based on our how our tests come back we will have a much better look at the ultimate cost. However, before we officially venture down that route, they are having us complete all the testing over again. This time has not been as easy. Here are a couple of tips:

If you see an off base PCM, make sure they submit the right type of referral and specify where you have to go for this referral.
If the fertility clinic requests a semen analysis, make sure he goes to his flight doc and requests the referral so Tricare will cover it. In our case, it required him to go to Ft Belvoir for the analysis.

This is just our story, each person’s situation will be unique, and I cannot express that enough. There are podcasts (The Fertility Warriors is my favorite), Facebook groups, and many Instagram accounts. Everyone will handle this differently but, first and foremost take care of yourself first. Take care of your emotions whether talking to your family, friends or seeing someone. This is a tough time for anyone and talking about it is okay. A number of times it has hit me out of nowhere leading to crying in some unique places. However, I have been so grateful for friends and family that have answered their phones. We know getting ahold of a spouse often at work can be hard so having others to turn to is important. So here we are. Having just turned 30 and going back through testing in a whole new arena while trying to do all the things that come with a cross country PCS.

HUSBAND EXCERPT

For the guys out there going through this, I have a few words of advice:

It is common to feel weird going to IUI appointments knowing that you just handed a cup with your semen in it to a doctor that is about to inject it into your wife. It is still weird for me but they have done this a thousand times and it is nothing new to them so don’t feel weird about it.
If you have to do a semen analysis at the hospital, don’t sweat it. I drove an hour and half in DC traffic all the while thinking how awkward this was going to be, and I was pleasantly surprised how easy, and low stress it was. So don’t freak out about it.
If you can make your wife’s appointments, do it. In the end, you will be happy you went and in the short, your wife will appreciate it. IUI and IVF are very scripted and scheduled things, which take the intimacy out of making a baby, but learning about the process makes it easier to deal with and understand.
Do not feel emasculated that this is happening to you. At the beginning, it was a lot of thinking that I am not able to get my wife pregnant. Stay positive and keep the fire alive in your bedroom because you never know if that one time will be the time the test comes back positive despite the cards you are dealt.
Be involved and learn about the process. While our part in the grand scheme of things is easy, it is good to know what your wife has to go through so you can better understand her emotions.
Lastly, talk to other dudes about it. You are not the first and you will not be the last. Your wife has been asked a hundred times, “When are you guys going to have kids?” It is the same for guys. When asked, be honest and say what you are going through. There is nothing wrong with admitting you haven’t been able to get your wife pregnant. Sometimes it just takes more time and effort. I had a hard time with this at the beginning and now I have no problem talking about it.