A Personal Journey
As a military spouse, the concept of deployment is not a stranger. We often hear about the challenges it brings, and people tell us that we knew what we signed up for when we chose this life. Even though this is true, nothing quite prepares you for the emotional rollercoaster when it becomes a reality. When my husband received orders for a 6-month deployment, leaving me with our daughter, two dogs, a business, and no family nearby, the weight of the situation hit home.
Preparing for Deployment: Navigating the Emotional Landscape
Facing the reality of solo parenting during deployment is a daunting prospect, especially when it involves a young child. Here, I share our journey, the challenges, and the strategies that made a significant difference in preparing the three of us for the months ahead, and allowed us to make this deployment as easy as possible.
Tips for Preparation
Advance Communication
This first tip might be a given, but bear with me because this can already make a huge difference in how things will go for your toddler. You might have heard different approaches for this like “Don’t tell your toddler at all beforehand; it’ll confuse them.” Or “Tell your toddler as early as you know so they know what’s going on.”
While I can understand both approaches, as a parenting educator, I chose a middle path. A toddler doesn’t yet have an understanding of time, so telling them too far in advance might create anxiety, while not telling them at all can cause attachment issues and separation anxiety. Initiating age-appropriate conversations with your child about the upcoming deployment is crucial.
Create a Plan
What plan? Well, once you have told your toddler that your spouse is leaving soon, create a plan for how to stay in touch and connected when being apart. This could mean taking a family photo, having one copy in your house while the deployed parent takes one with them, planning to call every day before bedtime and reading a book together, or singing a lullaby.
Including your toddler in this plan helps them in different ways. This works because structured and predictable days give your toddler a feeling of security.
Toddler Involvement
Including your toddler in the preparation for a deployment is helpful. This gave our daughter the chance to experience the entire emotional rollercoaster. Allowing these feelings to surface helped her and us, providing a chance to connect feelings and focus on the next steps.
Special Preparations
Toddlers love to contribute, and preparing something special for their soon-to-be-deployed parent is a great way for them to do that. Special doesn’t mean expensive or extraordinary. What I mean is to create or do something for your spouse, whether it’s baking treats, picking up a book, or preparing a picnic in the backyard. Get creative. We turned family photos into magnets for my husband to take with him.
Emotional Sharing
We often tend to want to shield our children from feeling sad. By recognizing and sharing your emotions with your toddler, you are creating a safe space for them to express their feelings, allowing them to learn how to deal with these feelings healthily.
Toddler’s Perspective
Often in these situations, we are so emotional that our toddler’s reactions seem rude or unkind, seemingly proof that they don’t love the parent who is leaving. Let me reassure you that this is absolutely not true! Your child might not fully grasp the situation or is simply overwhelmed and doesn’t know how to cope.
Challenges During Deployment
If you have been in this situation before, you have probably noticed a spike in challenging behaviors during deployment. Deployment often brings forth challenging behaviors in toddlers, ranging from tantrums to sleep troubles. These behaviors are not intentional acts of defiance but rather a toddler’s way of coping with significant changes. For example, our daughter started trying to control everything she could at school because she wasn’t able to control the fact that her dad had left. So don’t worry that you’re not doing enough or that you’re failing. And here are a few strategies to help during this time.
Strategies for Coping
1. Embracing Emotions:
Hold space for all emotions, both yours and your toddler’s.
2. Strengthening Connection:
Invest time in building and maintaining a strong connection with your toddler.
3. Reliability:
Strive to be a reliable presence for your toddler, providing stability in their routine. Be so predictable for your toddler that it is boring for them!
4. Self-Care:
Ensure your needs are met, allowing you to be emotionally available for your toddler. Remember our toddlers are not responsible for our needs – we are.
5. Care Package:
Pack a thoughtful care package for the deployed parent, and let your toddler contribute. This helps foster a tangible connection for your child. Our daughter loved to make dried apples and find leaves to send to her dad.
6. Leaving a Token:
Leave something behind for your toddler, like a ‘deployment’ teddy, or a photo, or have your spouse leave a recording of a book to listen to at bedtime. (Toni boxes are great for this).
Reintegration Tips: Easing the Transition
You’d think when your family is reunited after a deployment everything would be super easy again. Yet reintegrating the returning parent can pose its own set of challenges.
You might see your toddler not wanting to have anything to do with the returned parent or an increase in challenging behaviors. As hurtful as this can feel, I promise you it doesn’t mean your toddler didn’t miss or doesn’t love your spouse. It’s a form of overwhelm paired with the incapability of coping with the situation. Here are a few strategies to navigate this sensitive phase to make it easier for all of you.
Allow Time:
Understand that reintegration is a gradual process, and give your toddler the time they need.
Gentle Warm-Up:
Don’t expect everything to return to normal instantly; let your toddler warm up to the returning parent. I know this is hard because all you want after being away for so long is to hug and love your family as much as you can. I promise it will be worth it when your little one holds on to you and it often happens rather quickly.
Simple Activities:
Your everyday lives changed while being apart and finding your new rhythm takes a while. However engaging in simple activities initially, such as preparing breakfast or going for a walk together, helps ease the transition.
Conclusion: A Supportive Journey
Surviving deployment as a military family demands resilience from you, your spouse, and your child. While no one can fully prepare you for the emotional rollercoaster of deployments, my hope is that these tips and strategies provide the support, encouragement, and guidance you need for the next deployment. Always remember, you are an amazing parent—you’ve got this.
Meet Angelina
Hey, I’m Angelina—a mom, parenting educator, and military spouse originally from Germany.
Our military journey has taken us to unexpected places, allowing me the privilege of working with people from diverse backgrounds. It’s been eye- opening to realize that, no matter where we’re from or live, as parents, we all share common struggles, yet the obstacles we experience in the military are adding just a bit more to our already full plate.
That’s why I am passionate about making parenting as enjoyable and easy as possible for us and our children. After all, everyone deserves a parent-child relationship based on trust, connection, and unconditional love.
Let’s navigate this parenting adventure together and connect with me on Instagram.
