A medical residency is a fun and exciting time, but can also be an exercise in misery. Residents are overworked, underpaid, and chronically stressed. My husband is finishing up his Emergency Medicine residency this summer and here are some things I have learned as his wife. I hope they can provide you some encouragement through this crazy journey.
1. VIEW IT AS A MARATHON, NOT A SPRINT.
Residency is daunting. It can be anywhere from 3-6+ years depending on the specialty, or more if they go on to complete a fellowship. There will be good days and bad days, nerve-racking days and days of confidence, failures and successes. You are the closest person to them during these highs and lows, so you will feel all of these emotions right alongside them. Take it one day at a time, one patient at a time, one shift at a time- because if it weren’t for the bad days, the good days wouldn’t be so good!
2. LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS, THEN LOWER THEM AGAIN.
Keep your expectations low. This is crucially important for those who have children during residency. There will be a lot of times that you will be alone for dinner, weekends, and holidays. If they say they will be home at 6pm, probably tack on some time to account for charting, emergencies at the hospitals, etc. If your spouse is constantly changing schedules, don’t expect them to wake up at a certain time either. This was a point of contention for us for a very long time. They will sleep more than you think because they are straight up exhausted. (My kids think daddy is either working or sleeping 99% of the time-which is pretty accurate!) Don’t wait around for them. Just get on a schedule that works for you and if they can join you great! Resentment can happen if you’re not careful- so keep your expectations in check.
3. FIND A HOBBY.
This is very important! Do something that makes you happy on a regular basis. You cannot be a supportive and loving spouse unless you are pouring from a full cup. Move your body every day, learn a new skill, start that project you have been meaning to start. This is when I found a gym routine I loved, learned how to do woodworking in my garage, and started counting macros. These were things I could control which I LOVED.
4. COMMUNICATE!
Nothing is worse than bottling up emotions and feelings until they explode. Talk to your spouse often about how you both are doing during this time. Designate quality uninterrupted time to do this. 10-15 minutes a week at minimum to discuss the nitty-gritty of life. You are both going to grow so much during this time and so will your relationship!
5. TAKE VACATIONS.
It is hard to afford lavish vacations while in residency, but it is so important to take time off to recharge. Obviously, this is important in all careers, but in my opinion, planning for a vacation was HUGE in helping us get through those 80 hour weeks. If we knew we had something to look forward to, it somehow made it easier to work 12 shifts in a row. In the Air Force, you get 3 weeks of leave a year, which they will schedule around your rotations. It was necessary for our survival so I highly recommend budgeting for them if you can!
6. LEAN ON OTHER PEOPLE WHO ARE GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING.
This is hard because not all specialities are created equal. It is not going to look the same for an ER doctor, Pediatrician, or General Surgeon. We never had to deal with being on call for example, but we struggle with the night shifts/weekends/holidays and constant sleeping schedule changes. It was very helpful for me to talk to other ER spouses to gain perspective and stave off bitterness. One thing that was huge for me was a bible study called Side by Side. This is a nationwide organization who focuses on strengthening medical marriages with fellowship and bible studies. The community of women I found here was absolutely life saving.
7. PRIORITIZE YOURSELF!
Do things that make your life easier. If that’s hiring a yard guy to cut your grass, do it. If that’s getting a cleaning lady, do it. If that’s finding a babysitter so you can grocery shop on your own, do it. If that’s getting a job, do it. If that’s ordering every single thing to your house from instacart or amazon, do it. If that’s buying a baby pool for your backyard because you just can’t even fathom the thought of taking all 3 kids to the pool by yourself all summer, DO IT. Who cares what it looks like to the neighbors. Just do whatever it is that makes your life easier. No one will blame you for one single second.
8. AVOID THE COMPARISON TRAP.
Have you ever heard that comparison is the thief of joy? Its 100% a THEIF. Undergrad to medical school to residency = a billion years of school. All of the friends you had during high school and college will be long gone making money and having kids and moving on with life, and you will feel like you are still trudging through school. It is so hard to see your best friends making six figures and building their dream homes while you are still poor and never seeing your husband. But hear me when I say that not only will the payoff be so worth it, but your life is happening TODAY. It’s not “when we are done with medical school…” or “if we can just get through residency then…” , it is happening here and now. Do not waste your time comparing what others have to what you have. Where you are at right now is where you are supposed to be. What you have right now will shape your future. Your spouse needs YOU.
9. DON’T UNDERVALUE YOUR ROLE.
You are an invaluable part of the team. Find ways to include yourself in the process. Some practical ways that this can look are hosting BBQs at your home for the residency class, meeting your spouse at the hospital for lunch or dinner in the cafeteria (my kids LOVED doing this), bringing in baked goods to the resident room, or reaching out to other spouses to offer support. This not only helps create relationships with your spouse’s co-workers, but also bridges the gap between work and home since they spend so much time at work. Investing in your spouse’s team will make you feel like you are part of the team as well.
10. ABOVE ALL, DON’T LOSE HOPE.
Residency is just a season. A blip on the radar. You can do hard things. You are brave and strong and are fully equipped with what you need to survive in this journey. Don’t lose hope to the fact that you will see the payoff one day. Your efforts will not go unrewarded. Seek joy in the every day. Look for the good and you will thrive my friend.
*to find more information about military medicine see this post also written by Kristine*
MEET KRISTINE
